MARCH FREEBIE LAUGH

This is from LIGHTEN UP - one of my ninety-nine cent e-books on Kindle. LIGHTEN UP is composed of a few random articles from the humor column I did for a weekly in Memphis before I got too many deadlines (way back then - LOL).

"It's never too late to start exercising" according to the spokesperson for the American Council on Exercise. Funny how I think about exercise at night when it's too dark to get out and walk. Sort of like deciding to cut down on certain kinds of foods right after a heavy meal that includes an embarrassing lot of them. The move-it-or-lose-it school of thought is getting more prevalent (louder, too) as America gets older. However, to a person as talented at relaxing as I am (I practice a lot), it seems there are as many people overdoing the moving as there are couch potatoes who are at least enjoying the process of losing it. You can't drive more than three blocks in any direction without passing or meeting someone in sweats (some of those sweats cover a multitude of sins like a coat of paint) either walking briskly or jogging for dear life. Some of the joggers are red in the face as Rudolph's nose and huffing like they should have brought their oxygen with them. Makes you wonder if they're going to jog right through the Pearly Gates. (They're surely smart enough to do a quick U-turn if they start seeing smoke or smelling brimstone in their quest for the Body beautiful!)

All this talk about pectoral muscles, abs, 10K runs, and (shudder) cellulite, is hard to ignore (yeah, I'm trying). Especially since my own exercising is minimal with a capital MIN. A glance in the mirror at all of the above which belong to you seem to be moving south thanks to flab and gravity. Reminds you of the horror stories warning of what happen if you don't exercise and take care of muscles, bones, and the cardio-vascular system. all that long worded propaganda makes a nice, deep easy chair look like a death trap. You immediately recall the warning that if you don't exercise the quadraceps in your thighs, you'll soon be unable to get out of that chair under your own power!

Knowing all that plus my own limitations: being three years older than God and never by any stretch of the imagination the athletic type, I exercise just enough to feel good, work up an appetite (as if I needed that one), ease my conscience, and not take root anywhere.

My laps around the yard are respectable enough, since it's a big yard. Of course of the five acres available I always pick the two in the shade. None of those exercise freaks said getting burned and wrinkled would do your muscles any good. The laps around the yard (in the shade), unavoidable errands, and necessary housework (kicking a path through and cleaning enough not to fear a visit from the fire department or board of health,) are enough for me until the bathroom scale starts saying "get off " instead of those little red numbers.

My lap around the couch is a snow job, the only exercise involved being to adjust a pillow to just the right angle to read a book comfortably.

Don't let the do-gooders push you into overdoing it and jogging through the Pearly Gates before your time. When you decide to walk more, there are lots of ways to enjoy that too. Don't be brainwashed into making work out of it. Walk to places you want to go. There are lots of interesting destinations at the nearest mall - enjoy!

Hope you had fun and some chuckles - break's over! :-)

Jackie

FREEBIE LAUGHS

This is one of the columns in LIGHTEN UP - a $0.99 ebook on Kindle. It's excerpts from a humor column I did years ago before I got too many deadlines (life et cetera LOL) It's also short enough to put on your computer if you don't have an e-reader so you can read them one at a time or whenever you want to.

This was entered in one of the AWC (Arkansas Writers contests) and won first prize in the humor article contest. It's name was LUCKY Me at that time, now it's part of LIGHTEN UP on Kindle :-)Here it is:

The beautiful spa city where I was born is now in the middle of the annual horse racing season. The excitement, myriad social whoopie occasions, greedy expectations, and general chaotic scrambles for parking space are rising along wth the fattening of the purses for the races. In spite of all that, I have not, so far, bet one peso, yen, or American buck on a horse. It just isn't humane to burden a poor beat with the kind of luck I have. It's enough entertainment to see the methods some people use to bet, and the results they get. One sunny afternoon at the matinee, two obviously learned professors of the sporting game who sat in front of me and my husband poured over newspapers, tout sheets, and other information, calculators in hand, before picking THE WINNER. That noble bast came in fifth. The air head with party colored hair behind us who bet on a horse with a name like ther cousin's cat, had a winning ticket according to what I could understand of th shrieks and jumping up and down and general rampant joy when the winner was announced.
Lady Luck's curse on me is not confined to horses. It sort of parallels Murphy's Law - anything that can go wrong will, you know how it goes. Somehow, when I got my ticket into the world, the angel in charge that day left good luck and a sense of direction out of my hiking kit. I'm doomed to work twice as hard for all accomplishments and carry a map and a compass, or do without and be lost as a goose. This maks for some tough choices and beaucoup self discipline.
Once in a while I forget my betting on a poor animal could be hazardous to its health and I take a chance. Not a calculated risk - a chance. Chances are much more fun than dull old calculated risks and make the adrenalin pump. Would you believe I once bet on a likely looking grayhound at the dog track who ran back the other way and tripped four other dogs? Whether or not they shot the big palooka, I couldn't tell you. All I know, is they wouldn't let ME do it!
You can see, with luck like that, I have to be very, very careful. About a year ago, the grcery store near us put up a pen outside and gave away chances on a Mexican burro with sacks of groceries. My husband wouldn't let me go in there for fear I'd wind up inning the thing! Fortunately, it wasn't long before someone else did so we didn't starve.
We are gong to the dog track with some friends next week (I'm going to bet two bcks to show on the rabbit).


Blog friends; Five Star writers; and other cyber friends: To read this: On Your browser go to Jackie Griffey's Books and click where it has the title of this blog - FREEBIE LAUGHS happy reading :-)

Break's over!
Jackie

http://www.pumpupyourbook.com./2009/12/08/the-devil-in-merrivale-virtual-book-tour-january-10/

It's been so long since I updated i'm expecting to see news I've 'quit smoking' LOL. Nope, I'm still among the living (probaby because I never have smoked - ha!). Anyway, I'm 'up to my ankles and in head first' and about 'blogged blind' even if I have neglected my own blog.

Think I told on here that Zumaya Publications has bought my Maryvale series for their new mystery imprint - Enigma. They have staked me to virtual book tour with Pump Up Your Book and I'm burning the midnight oil answering interview questions and doing guest blogs. It's fun, but it takes up more time than you thought you had!

Enigma has changed the name of my little fictional town to Merrivale and is calling it the Cas Larkin series - he's my Sheriff Hero.

I've got the first of a new mystery series just out this month from Five Star, the name of it is Dead on Arrival and you will see a good write-up about it on International Thriller Writers January Webzine by Austin Camacho.

The virtual book tour goes on till January 29 so please come by and comment or ask any questions you want to - I love meeting new readers and writers. You can find it on your browser at: http://www.pumpupyourbook.com/2009/12/08/the-devil-in-merrivale-virtual-book-tour-january-10/

I look forward to hearing from you.:-)

Break's over!

Surviving Christmas

Whew! Had a wonderful Christmas whether we could afford it or not. The biggest problem was where to put the things in the 'absolutely necessary and the best I could do' things - you know, which line of credit could stand it I mean. Well, we did it I think. Anyway, we ate. We had a few (practical) gifts. We celebrated. We enjoyed. Now the the question for 2010 - can we survive and get our debts back down to a (reasonably) manageable level and still eat and have a roof over our heads? I think so. I hope so. We're working on it. LOL. Getting some of these debts down to managable is my only resolution for the new year aside from the one I make and break every year: "Engage brain before putting mouth in gear!"
Happy New year and good luck to all of us - oh yeah, one more thing.
The publisher who gave me a contract on my Merrivale series (Zumaya Publications, their new mystery imprint, Enigma) arranged for me to do a blog tour at Pump Up Your Book so please do visit and leave comments or questions on my guest blogs. Go to Pump Up Your Book and visit all of them. I'll answer every question and really enjoy meeting new readers and writers and fellow bloggers too.
Happy New year and good luck to all of us. Break's over!
Jackie

Free Excerpt/Take Time to Laugh

Here's a day-brightener for friends, fellow readers and writers. It's an excerpt from my LIGHTEN UP which is now on Kindle for $0.99.

Tis the season of more feelings than Peace on Earth and jolly whoopee. If the madding crowd doesn't stampede and stomp you to death in the mall, and you don't have a stroke from frustration trying to find someone to wait on you, the other shoppers will take deadly aim at you as you cringe in your car at the mercy of traffic lights (both working and non-working) in the snarl of traffic where you've got hemmed in and can't move in any direction.

All the scary scenes aren't in the movies set on a dark and stormy night. Some of them are right out in bright sunlight in the middle of a mob of lunitics, all bad-mouthing each other for the delay in their ritual celebration of peace on earth, good will toward men (which doesn't include their vehicles.)

The worst is yet to come. Some of the things you'e had delivered or managed to get into the trunk of your car are in boxes stenciled with the three words that can make any family man's blood run cold - Some Assembly Required. This is the absolute epitome of understatement. What's in that innocent looking cardboard carton is a lot of bits and pieces along with a little plastic sack labeled hardware. There's also a leaflet with 'simple' instructions for the simpleton who bought the thing. Included, is a picture of the product the way it's supposed to look - if all the pieces are there; you have an engineering degree; and there are no interruptions; and you are blessed with the patience of Job.

You lay out all the neatly numbered pieces, never mind the hardware yet. This is the point where you notice the instructions are in English, Spanish, and French, implying any simpleton in any location in the world should be able to do this job, so you should be able to also. This is the first stab of self coubt packed into this Pandora's Box of troubles.

All the big and little odd shaped pieces have numbers or letters on them. Some of them have both, the hardware too. It helps to keep the picture of the finished product where you can see it. It may begin to look like you're getting there by the time you get most of it assembled. In some cases reasembled, because piece E should have been insered in chunk 10A before putting 10A into slot 2B.

By now you are sure you will be through by Christmas. But Christmas what year? The next stage is when the monster, if you use just a little imagination, resembles the pictue of the finished product. So you decide you can do witout shelves three and four. And what difference does it make if you don't put on that door that you had on upside down and had to remove on that extra shelf? Who need it, anyway? The thing is now functional and somewhat resembles the picture, give or take a couple of shelves. So you call it done.

The struggle it took to get that far makes you wonder how the French and Spanish buyers made out with their projects. As you close the instructions, on the back side of the brochure there's more print in some other foreign language. The picture looks like a screwdriver being inserted into an electical outlet. I bet that cuts down on the number of complaints!

Break's over - Merry Christmas! :-)

Audio Books Coming Soon!

Hope everyone is looking over the three books I put on Kindle since two of them are small enough to order to read on your computer if you want to. There are audio books coming in the near future too - it's really going to be hard to get away from me isn't it? You may as well give up and order a couple of my books.:-)

I'm thrilled that when Books in Motion schedules Spanish Eyes for their audios, MP3s and other goodies I'll be published in all formats. Of course, I'd be a lot more thrilled if I weren't still squeezing ink cartridges out of the grocery list. It really is true that a writer must write. I like to write as well as read and I plan to keep writing as long as I can see the monitor.

My Merrivale series will begin in December (this month!) with The Devil in Merrivale and The Nelson Scandal will follow next year, there will be a new one each year. Come visit Merrivale and also when you visit here, please sign my guest book and leave a Hi! or a comment. I love meeting readers and other writers and would like to hear from you.

Five Star will publish my Dead on Arrival in January of 2010, the first of a new mystery series. Merrywinds, a young adult adventure novel will follow in December of 2010.

Whatever you're reading, have fun and enjoy this beautiful fall weather.

Break's over!
Jackie

Ninety-nine Cent Books!

Well, it had to happen with the economy in the toilet - ha! I tried to lower my price on three ebooks to $0.00 but Kindle wouldn't let me - price has to be "between $.99 and $200.00." So now I've got three items on Kindle for ninety-nine cents as early Christmas presents for anyone who wants to read them. I'm a newcomer to Kindle and have been putting things on it since the last of May or the first of June. The 'freebies' I hope you (fellow readers and writers ) will like are: LIGHTEN UP which is random articles from the humor column I did several years ago before I got so many deadlines to meet; THREE M ANTHOLOGY is three different stories involving mystery, magic, and mischief; and the third one is CHRISTMAS TREK which also has the reading script for anyone who is curious to see a reading script can get a look at what they look like-this one's a family story set in the future when we've let polution run us off Planet Earth to colonize another home in outer space.

I just can't stay in here a minute longer, I'm going out and enjoy the gorgeous fall weather - hope everyone is stocking up on books to read when winter comes.

Happy reading. Break's over!
Jackie