Monday, 29 March 2010


This is from LIGHTEN UP - one of my ninety-nine cent e-books on Kindle. LIGHTEN UP is composed of a few random articles from the humor column I did for a weekly in Memphis before I got too many deadlines (way back then - LOL).

"It's never too late to start exercising" according to the spokesperson for the American Council on Exercise. Funny how I think about exercise at night when it's too dark to get out and walk. Sort of like deciding to cut down on certain kinds of foods right after a heavy meal that includes an embarrassing lot of them. The move-it-or-lose-it school of thought is getting more prevalent (louder, too) as America gets older. However, to a person as talented at relaxing as I am (I practice a lot), it seems there are as many people overdoing the moving as there are couch potatoes who are at least enjoying the process of losing it. You can't drive more than three blocks in any direction without passing or meeting someone in sweats (some of those sweats cover a multitude of sins like a coat of paint) either walking briskly or jogging for dear life. Some of the joggers are red in the face as Rudolph's nose and huffing like they should have brought their oxygen with them. Makes you wonder if they're going to jog right through the Pearly Gates. (They're surely smart enough to do a quick U-turn if they start seeing smoke or smelling brimstone in their quest for the Body beautiful!)
All this talk about pectoral muscles, abs, 10K runs, and (shudder) cellulite, is hard to ignore (yeah, I'm trying). Especially since my own exercising is minimal with a capital MIN. A glance in the mirror at all of the above which belong to you seem to be moving south thanks to flab and gravity. Reminds you of the horror stories warning of what happen if you don't exercise and take care of muscles, bones, and the cardio-vascular system. all that long worded propaganda makes a nice, deep easy chair look like a death trap. You immediately recall the warning that if you don't exercise the quadraceps in your thighs, you'll soon be unable to get out of that chair under your own power!
Knowing all that plus my own limitations: being three years older than God and never by any stretch of the imagination the athletic type, I exercise just enough to feel good, work up an appetite (as if I needed that one), ease my conscience, and not take root anywhere.
My laps around the yard are respectable enough, since it's a big yard. Of course of the five acres available I always pick the two in the shade. None of those exercise freaks said getting burned and wrinkled would do your muscles any good. The laps around the yard (in the shade), unavoidable errands, and necessary housework (kicking a path through and cleaning enough not to fear a visit from the fire department or board of health,) are enough for me until the bathroom scale starts saying "get off " instead of those little red numbers.
My lap around the couch is a snow job, the only exercise involved being to adjust a pillow to just the right angle to read a book comfortably.
Don't let the do-gooders push you into overdoing it and jogging through the Pearly Gates before your time. When you decide to walk more, there are lots of ways to enjoy that too. Don't be brainwashed into making work out of it. Walk to places you want to go. There are lots of interesting destinations at the nearest mall - enjoy!

Hope you had fun and some chuckles - break's over! :-)

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